Reverse Personification.

I sit here this morning remembering one of the worst television shows ever foisted upon America. Of course I'm talking about ABC's moronic 70s sit-com, My Mother the Car. Every one involved with it should be ashamed. Well, perhaps not Jerry Van Dyke. He's used to portraying a moron.

And just why am I thinking of My Mother the Car? Because I've happened upon a great sequel to this forgotten stinker: My Dog the Alarm Clock.

The nights here in San Luis Obispo have gotten chilly. It's almost like Fall in the Southeast. The skies are bright and clear, but there's a definate crisp, coolness. I say it's almost like Fall in the Southeast, because - as we all know - California doesn't have the smell of burning leaves, nor the Fall foliage colors. That, and - oh, yes - it doesn't have great college football.

With evenings being as cold as they've been, we've allowed our dog, VIVI, to sleep in our bedroom, as opposed to her usual nighttime haunt, the laundry room. She's really enjoyed the company...not to mention the carpeted floors. Unfortuantely, though, VIVI seems to think it perfectly normal to wake up a good hour before Amie and I rise and shine.

All would be fine if she allowed us our slumber. But, no, she sees fit to pull herself up towards our bed, place her face directly in front of me, and start a series of muffled barks. At least she tries to be quiet with her plaintive behavior...after all, she wouldn't want to wake up the kids.

So it is that I have found myself with an extra hour every morning. It gives me ample opportunity to read the paper, put on coffee, and think about some lousy sitcom that's over 30 years old.

My Dog the Alarm Clock.

Oh, by the way...Obama won!

Now if you would, please go check out humor-blogs.com.

Auto Erotica.

Last night as I sat watching Monday Night Football with my father-in-law, we happened upon the subject of cars. Guess it was all those Chevy commercials. For no particular reason I asked him, "If you could have one car - and money was no object - what would it be?" He quickly responded that he'd go with a 1956 Thunderbird. Nice choice.

He asked me for my choice, and I was honestly stumped. After giving the matter some thought, I confessed that, "I'd have to go the 'Elvis Route', and have a seven-car garage...that way I could have a different car for every day of the week."

Today just so happens to be my birthday (as well of that as my wife, Amie, and my twin sister, Jennifer), so I thought I'd share with you my choices for my top seven cars. And here they are:

#7:
1988 TOYOTA LAND CRUISER

I can't explain why, but I've always thought this model Land Cruiser was an exceptionally sharp-looking SUV. Similar in many ways to the old, 'safari' style Land Rovers, but without the penchant for being English (read: breaking down all of the time). They're also a bit more comfortable. I know...they're a bit underpowered, but, still, I like 'em.

#6:
1960 CHRYSLER IMPERIAL CONVERTIBLE

This is, to me, the epitome of American automotive excess. Enough steel and chrome from which to fashion four Japanese cars, big fins, and sixties styling. This would be my weekend driver with the family.

#5:
1954 MERCEDES-BENZ SL300 "GULLWING"

For those nights when it's just Amie and me, I'd prefer this breathtaking beauty. Everything about this car screams class. And timelessness. Of course, this would probably be Amie's pick for her daily driver.

#4:
1965 CHEVROLET CORVAIR MONZA CONVERTIBLE

See a pattern developing? Sixties? Convertible? I'll admit it...I'm a child of my generation. This would probably end up being my daily driver. Economical, stylish, easy to repair. Ralph 'unsafe in any election' Nader mistakenly identified the Corvair as 'unsafe at any speed'. Idiot. I think old Ralphie knows as much about cars as he does politics.

#3:
1985 ASTON MARTIN VOLANTE CONVERTIBLE

While the British have a notorious, historical problem with producing cars that are reliable, I do have a soft spot for British styling. This would be my go-to car when I was in a sporty, cocksure mood. Good thing for me that those moods don't happen often...because this sucker's probably going to spend more time in the shop than on the road. But it is a cool car, ain't it?

#2:
1936 CORD CONVERTIBLE COUPE

Years ahead of its time, this car was released the same year that my parents were born. Streamlined perfection.

#1:
THE BATMOBILE!

I am a child of the sixties. And, as my wife will attest, I'm still a child at heart. I fell in love with this car the first time I saw it on TV. This is the ultimate car for those seeking 'coolness factor'. I would love to surprise my boys by picking them up for school in this baby. Sadly, there are only two seats. Not very practical, I'll grant you. But it would be a great ride! And, no, I have no penchant for wearing tights and a cape behind the wheel of this car.

So that's it...my choices for the top seven cars that I'd want in my garage. Should you find yourself thinking, "I wonder what I should get Mat for his birthday?" think no more. I'd happily settle for one of these. Good thing I'm not picky, huh?

And it'd be a good thing for you to now check out humor-blogs.com.

Paradigm Shift.

Last night my boys asked me, "What's for dinner, dad?" I cheerily responded, "Spaghetti with meatballs". My youngest son, Thomas scrunched up his nose, and said, "Yuk! Can't we please have something else?"

Now, there are times when my upbringing elicits a Pavlovian response, and certain phrases are sure to trigger one. For instance, when someone says, "I'm done with X..." I always am quick to say, "Cakes are done, people are finished." Or, if you were to ask me to "drive straight ahead", I'll say, "you mean forward, not straight."* I blame my parents for this.

So it is that when one of my boys complain about the food about to be served them, I almost immediately respond:

"You should be happy. There are starving kids in China who would love your meal."

I used this retort on Thomas, but his older brother, Jack, was quick to correct me. "Dad," he said, "most people in China are now rich. They can afford better food these days." This from a nine year-0ld.

The times they are a-changing. Guess it's time to pick on a new, malnourished, underprivilaged country. Better make a call to Sally Struthers.

And you better make a call now to humor-blogs.com.

*I know. It's amazing to me too that I haven't been beat up after uttering these corrections. Guess it's good that I'm 6'4" and 270 pounds, huh?

The Definition of Smarmy.

smär-mē

adjective

Etymology:
smarm to gush, slobber

1 : revealing or marked by a smug, ingratiating, or false
earnestness smarmy self-satisfaction.

2 : of low sleazy taste or quality.

Now you can call me 'prissy' or 'priggish'. Go ahead. But do we really need a gum-smacking, wink and nod, good at the one liners yet poor at extemporaneous thought hockey mom to be one heartbeat away from the presidency? Especially when the likes of Christine Todd Whitman were available?

I don't think so.

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
Henry Cate VII

You may fool all the people some of the time, you can even fool some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all the time.
Abraham Lincoln

Democracy is a device that ensures that we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
George Bernard Shaw

The sad truth is that we do get the politicians we deserve.

Now go get the funny that YOU deserve at humor-blogs.com.

Praise The Baby!

i·co·nog·ra·phy
n. pl. i·co·nog·ra·phies

1.
a. Pictorial illustration of a subject.

b. The collected representations illustrating a subject.

2. A set of specified or traditional symbolic forms associated with the subject or theme of a stylized work of art.
3. The images and symbolic representations that are traditionally associated with a person or a subject; "religious iconography".

Saw this in a public restroom. No doubt it's religious in origin...more than likely dealing with the need to praise your baby as you prepare to take a dump.

I'm working on a humor-blogs icon, but - until I do - this link will have to do: HERE.

Passion Wagon.

Like a lot of Americans, I am not content with simply being passionate about something...I've got to let everyone know. And, like most Americans, I accomplish this by adorning my car with symbols of my passions, thus:

Everyone who passes my car knows that I love the Georgia Bulldogs and Ireland, right? It's there for all to see...and it's fairly subtle, right? Well, for some fanatics understatement is not to be found swimming in their gene pool. They need to make a BIG statement.

Take, for instance, this GMC van I spotted in a Phoenix parking lot. Nearly every square inch of this vehicle screamed, "I LOVE BETTY BOOP!"

Uh-huh. "Betty Boop" stickers on every door and window, "Betty Boop" emblazoned across the windshield, "Betty Boop" license plate...even "Betty Boop" on the horns mounted to the hood. I've no doubt that these horns bleat out, "Boop, oop, ee-doop!" when they're played.

Never saw the driver...but I'm imagining it's a grey-haired grandma. If it's not then someone is in need of serious psychiatric counseling!

And take my counseling...go now and check out humor-blogs.com.

My Dream Job, Vol. 1.

I often hear from friends that I've got a "dream job". Sure, making and selling wine can be a whole lot of fun, but it can often be just a job. That got me thinking: what would be my idea of a "dream job"?

I've often thought that it'd be fun to make a living creating names for college bands. Okay, so there's no such job out there, and - even if there were - it surely wouldn't pay squat. But, hey, it's a dream job, right? If I can dream up the job, then surely I'm allowed to dream up my salary, right? On the off-chance that there is indeed such a job position out there, let me just say that I'd be a shoe-in for the job. And if you just so happen to be that the person in charge of hiring for this job, consider this my resumé.

When it comes to crafting names for college bands, you're pretty much looking at three veins that you can mine. First, there are those names which somewhat oxymoronic in nature. The first half of the name is somewhat contradictory to the last half. For instance:

• The Screaming Mimes
• Laid-Low Erectors
• Skinflint Spendthrifts
• Primal Yawn
  
• Snickering Stoics

Then there's the other path I'll call the "Popular Culture" route. That's when you use references and/or names from literature, movies or television...some well-known, but most are vague. My choices in this category would include:

• Come Back, Shane!
• Merkin Muffly
• The Bethlehem Slouchers
• Adam West Wannabes
• His Boy Elroy
• How High the Moon

And then there are those hailing from a third category which I'll file under "Miscellany". They very often only make sense to the band members themselves, and can be so vague as to lead most to believe there was a lot of alcohol (or some other stimulant) involved. Hence:

• Too Many Todds
• Percolated Youth
• Misspent Fuzz
• Rickshaw Killers
• Prehistoric Misanthropes
• Drive-by Dustbunnies
• Must Love Porkchops
• Wide-Eyed Latin Orphans
• Two-bit Carnies

Yeah, I could see myself raking in the big-time dough with a job like this!

Anyone know where I could submit my application?

And I'd like to submit that you'd have a few laughs by checking out humor-blogs.com.

One Grand Hotel.

Where has the time gone?

Lately, my time has gone into working the Arizona market. I love Arizona. It's got world-class restaurants, world-class people, and - this time of year - a world-class definition of the phrase "but it's a dry heat".

This Tuesday I was in Jerome, Arizona...a small town located just outside of Sedona. Perched about a mile high on the side of a mountain, Jerome affords stunning views of the Verde Valley...especially if you're looking out from the windows of the Jerome Grand Hotel. Driving up from Sedona into this town I couldn't help but feel that Jerome has more in common with a rustic town in the Northern Rhône Valley than with Arizona. Closely-grouped old buildings, switch-back, narrow roads, breathtaking views.

I easily fell in love with Jerome, and you can bet I'll get back here soon...and often. And hopefully in the company of my wife, Amie.

You know there's at least one other guy who loves Jerome, too: John McCain. He spends a lot of time here when he's "home", and I can appreciate why. His favorite restaurant is - The Asylum - is located just inside the hotel. I was the guest at a wonderful wine dinner here Tuesday night. Trust me...the food (and the setting) are worth the trip.

Sitting at the table with fellow diners, the evening's discussion swayed towards the upcoming presidential election. Given that this place could very well become the new "Western White House", the locals had plenty to say.


It was during this discussion that the only unsettling part of my stay in Jerome came to pass. I was informed by the owners of The Asylum that the very chair I was sitting in was recently occupied by none other than Mitt Romney.

Eeeeeew. I guess that would explain why I was suddenly overcome with a desire to get ahold of $40 million and flush it down the toilet!

And before you flush, go check out humor-blogs.com.

Taking 'em to The Woodshed.

I've no excuse for my pitiful lack of posts these past few weeks. It seems that life has been getting in the way. Our winery move from Paso Robles to San Luis Obispo is nearly complete (one more truckload to go!), and Amie and I have nearly unpacked every moving box in our new home. It feels great to be nearly moved in!

The one sour note in our new home has been with our television service. We utilized DishTV service in our old home, and I was fairly pleased with it. I was pleased enough that, when we moved, I decided to transfer the service to our new home. When the technician came to hook us up, he had some bad news: the only place he could locate the dish antenna was directly in front of the screen door leading out onto the porch.

Nixing that idea, I called Charter Communications, who informed me that they could hook up TV service the very next day. I specifically asked the Charter rep if they offered ESPN's "Gameplan" package...it being college football season, and I need to watch my Bulldogs. The rep said, "of course", so I quickly signed on.

Long story short? She lied. It would appear that I am one of 15% of the nation who cannot get this package. What a pisser.

So it was that I spent four hours yesterday in my home office, logged onto the computer, watching the Georgia/Central Michigan game on ESPN's "360". I was frankly amazed at the quality of the feed and the resolution. It was almost as good as watching it on my big screen TV, but not quite.

If you haven't heard, Georgia beat the Chippewas like they owned them: 56 to 17. The game featured great performances by Matt Stafford, Mohammad Massaquoi, Asher Allen, and - of course - Knowshon Moreno. In a 3rd quarter effort to pump up his tiring team, Knowshon actually hurdled one of the defensive players!

I had the pleasure of attending UGA during the 'salad days' of Herschel Walker et al. Hershel was an amazing player...but he was the kind of player who'd put his head down and plow into/through you. Moreno on the other hand will spin, juke, and hurdle around/over you. He's an amazing talent to watch. While Herschel was a Mack truck, Knowshon is a Porsche.


Watching the game also allowed my family and I to get a better look at UGA VII, Georgia's new mascot. There's definitely a family resemblence between UGA and his sister, our beloved Dawg, VIVI. The boys are sure excited to meet UGA next month when we go back 'between the hedges' for the Georgia/Tennessee game!

I promise to catch up on my posts soon. Thanks for droppin' by!

And I'd appreciate you droppin' by to check out humor-blogs.com now. Thanks!

In Praise of The Palmer.

Over the course of my lifetime (thus far), I've drunk a lot of different tea-based beverages. From Tibetan Sherpa tea to Long Island Iced Tea, I've had them all. But, if I were forced to name the best tea ever, the choice would be simple: a well-crafted Arnold Palmer.

Quaffing one always makes me wonder: is there a finer non-alcoholic beverage on the planet? I certainly don't think so. A 50/50 blend of tea and lemonade, the Arnie is a perfect balance between the sweet and the tart. It refreshes and invigorates, and always leaves me wanting another.

When it comes to alcoholic beverages, I am a big-time fan of German Weissbier (or wheat beers). An Arnold Palmer is a close as you can get to a great Weissbier without the booze. Something to keep in mind when you've been tapped as the designated driver.

Even if he wasn't such a great duffer, the fact that Arnold Palmer 'invented' this drink makes him a legend in my book. Thanks, Arnie!

Become a legend in my mind: go vote for me at humor-blogs.com.

Gotta Love Grapevine.

I finished up my week in Texas in the quaint little town of Grapevine. Located just north of DFW, Grapevine came into existence in 1844, one year before Texas became a state.

Grapevine's motto is "A Drinking Town With a History Problem". Now, you've gotta love a town like that! Combine this with Austin's motto, "Keep Austin Weird", and you've got the beginnings of a pretty forceful argument that Texas is a great place to live!

In the heart of Grapevine is a great wine shop, Off the Vine, that's conveniently situated next door to the wine bar/restaurant, Into the Glass. Given that the folks behind Off the Vine are proud of their Irish heritage, (the owner, Holly, is married to an Irishman, and and employee, Cella, is from Dublin), and that Into the Glass owner, Dwayne, revels in the tasty and obscure (and features fried okra as a regular menu item), and you can begin to understand why I'm a fan of both.

If you find yourself in the DFW area, go check out the town of Grapevine. You'll be glad you did...I sure was!

And I'd be glad if you now click on humor-blogs.com and rate my posts. The more you rate 'em, the higher my standings!

You Know You're in Texas.

There have been times during my travels that I've momentarily forgotten what city or state I am in. Traveling as much as I do, things tend to blur. I can be walking into a wine shop in Tampa and think it looks just like the store I was in in Winnetka.

Fortunately, Texas offers wine making road warriors tell-tale clues as to where you are at all times. Case in point:














Yep. When a woman shows up to a wine tasting wearing shorts and cowboy boots...you can bet your ass you're in Texas!

Now go laugh your ass off at humor-blogs.com.

Worst. Crab Cake. EVER!

Spent the bulk of my Monday flying from San Luis Obispo to Houston, and by the time I had checked into my hotel (The Hotel Derek) I opted to stay on-property for my dinner. Walked down to Bistro Moderne and settled on a light dinner...Gazpacho to start, and their "Blue Crab Cake" entrée, a photo of which I've included here.

If you ever find yourself at Bistro Moderne and find yourself in the mood for a crab cake, let me offer one word of advice: "Don't!"

You would think that a crab cake would at least contain a very high percentage of crab. Not at Bistro Moderne. This entrée could be better described on the menu as "bread flakes with a suggestion of crab, deep fried in a rancid oil". I actually found myself playing a little game while I took another bite: try to find some crabmeat. What little crab there was in this meal exhibited signs that it was recently revived from a long freeze, and lacked consistency, taste and any visual clue that it was once crab.

The cake (more like a hockey puck than a crab cake) was accompanied by spaghetti squash sautéed with green and red bell peppers. This dish looked and tasted like it was prepared days ago, and had the consistency of mush. As a matter of fact the entire plate could be featured as an 'early bird special' for folks with bad dentures...if not for the fact that the crab cake was breaded and fried in a manner which resulted in a very hard crust.

Tired and defeated, I grabbed my open bottle of rosé and headed back up to my room. A memorable meal...for all the wrong reasons.

Never been disappointed by the fare over at humor-blogs.com, though.

Hey, Bud!

I love my iPhone. With its introduction, Steve Jobs & company provided me the means to pack lighter on my travels. Goodbye, Palm Pilot! Sayonara, digital camera! Aufweidershein, iPod! And, when I'm really feeling sassy, adios, laptop! In these times when/where technological gadgets often don't live up to the hype, the Apple iPhone has really delivered.

The phone certainly has delivered. The headset that comes with phone is another thing entirely. In a word, the headset sucks. In two words? Sucks donkies.

I've owned an iPhone for a little more than a year, and I've gone through four - that's right, four - headsets. They all have the same fundamental design flaw: the ear bud falls apart.

Now, with my old phone (a Treo 680) I used to use a Bluetooth-enabled headset to make my phone calls. I loved the wireless feature this setup provided. But, as I often like to listen to music with my iPhone, I'm pretty much confined to the use of the hard-wired Apple-supplied stereo headset.

Inevitably, the speaker grill separates from the rest of the ear bud. Average life expectancy for one of my headsets? Two to three months. With all of the 'gee-whiz' hardware that Apple has been able to wow me with, it would seem that they could easily construct a headset that actually survived everyday use.

Is it just me, or have other iPhone owners experienced the same problem? I'd love to hear from you.

And I'd love for you to log onto humor-blogs.com, and rate my posts. Thanks!

A Lounge for Your Lizard.

Just finished up a great work week in Texas, and am now hanging out in the Admiral's Club at the Austin Airport, waiting for my flight. Nature called (as it often does when I've consumed five coffees), and I made my way to the head. As you can see, the entrance to the Men's is placarded with a sign that reads, "Men's Lounge".


At the risk of bursting your bubble of anticipation, there's really not a lounge behind this door. No bar, no mood music, no sofa. Just a few guys trying not to pee on their hands, and one dude flushing his toilet over and over. Guess he was trying to be polite and disguise the noises of his bodily functions. Nice.

Finishing my business, I exited the "Lounge" and noticed this sign directly across from me. Hmmm. It would appear that while paying customers at the Admiral's Club can enjoy the comfort of a "Lounge", lowly employees are relegated to just a "Restroom". That and the fact that the need all employees, regardless of sex or handicap have to use the same facility.

I really wanted to explore the employee's restroom to see for myself what the difference was between a "Lounge" and a "Restroom", but quickly thought the better of it. Given the current state of the airline industry (where pillows can cost $7, a checked bag $20) perhaps this bathroom is just a room with a bucket? We'll never know...

And when nature calls for funny, make your way to humor-blogs.com.

Who's a Good Dawg!?

My last post resulted in a lot of emails from friends and family asking, "How's VIVI doing?" Well, here's a recent photo of her...enjoying a Sunday morning on the patio by Amie's side.

She's eight months old, and is already larger than our old Bulldog, Fireball. Has to be something in her genes...her daddy - UGA VI - was one very big Dawg.

Speaking of UGA VI, some of you may know that his 'official' name was "Whachagot Loran", named in honor of my good buddy, Loran Smith. We named our Bulldog "VIVI" in honor of her father, but when I filled out her AKC papers, I thought it fitting to name her, "Miss Myrna's VIVI", to also honor Loran's incredible wife, Myrna. During my recent visit to Athens, I had dinner with Loran and Myrna, and I learned from them that UGA VII's AKC name is "Loran's Finest".

Nice to know that the UGA/Smith family connection has been continued!

And now you should continue onward to humor-blogs.com. Tell 'em I sent ya.

How 'Bout Them Dawgs!

Two weeks ago I was in Athens, Georgia, and had the opportunity to stop by the Bulldogs' practice field just in time to watch the team run some wind sprints. The excitement about this team - and the anticipation of the football season - is palpable. And this feeling is not limited to just Athens...or even Georgia.


The anticipation for the 2008 Dawgs is nationwide.

On August 1st, USA Today featured Georgia as their pick as the best team in College football. And, as you can see here, Sports Illustrated has anointed the team as their favorites. I personally think this SI cover is hotter than their swimsuit issue*.

We're just a scant 23 days away from the start of the season, when my Bulldogs take on Georgia Southern "Between the Hedges". I just can't wait!

* If you think I'm crazy, then please understand this: my wife sometimes reads this blog.

Something you should read are the fine blogs to be found at humor-blogs.com.

This week finds me selling my wines in the great state of Texas. I arrived into DFW yesterday afternoon, and will be working the Dallas market today. The weather here is downright sultry...104 degree days and h-u-m-i-d. I should do well with my white wines this week. My big reds? That could be another story.

This afternoon I'm scheduled to drive four hours south in preparation to work tomorrow in Houston. I say 'I'm scheduled' to do this, because I may or may not be able to get to Houston. Seems some asshole named Edouard has decided to visit Houston, too:

It's always something, ain't it?

And it's always sunny and funny over at humor-blogs.com.

Talking Out the Sides of Their Heads.

I freely admit that - when time permits - I'm a TV news junkie. Whether the views offered are from the left or from the right (it's rarely - if ever - from the center), I'll tune in. Some of its thoughtful, much of its spoon-fed talking points straight from the party (or candidate, or lobbyist, or employer) but it can help you think.

The other night I was watching Countdown with Keith Olbermann on MSNBC as the show's amiable if smarmy host chatted (as he often does) with Air America's Rachel Maddow. Maddow can be engaging, but there's something she does that I find extremely off-putting: she talks with her lips firmly planted to the right side of her face. There are times that I really want to listen to what she's saying, but the smirk-like affectation she cops with her pie hole really distracts me.

And she's not alone as a talking head who talks out of the side of their mouth. Okay, so most of these folks do so, but it's figuratively not literally out of the sides of their mouth. Another case in point is FOXNews' Greta Van Susteren. But I'll cut Greta a little slack...on two counts. One, as I understand it, she's had elective surgery performed on her face. Perhaps this led to the sideways talking? Secondly - and far more plausible - is that she works for FOX News - and subconsciously cops a facial tick because she knows what she's saying is usually crap. Perhaps it's Greta's "tell".

And the sideways lip slide isn't a recent affectation with news types. One of the greatest, all-time practitioners of the art was NBC News anchorman Tom Brokaw.

Perhaps it's something that is taught in the nation's preeminent television journalism schools? "If you really want them to see you as sincere, pull your mouth as far to one of your ears as possible. Viewers eat that crap up with a spoon!"

I for one would like to see a bit more straight talk from the wonks on TV. Figuratively and literally.

And I'd like you now to literally click on humor-blogs.com.

Help Wanted.

Seen last Friday in the men's bathroom of a restaurant in Atlanta, Georgia:


Now where I come from, that's called Agalmatophilia.

Which reminds me...it's been a while since I saw a certain 1987 Kim Cattrall/Andrew McCarthy blockbuster called Mannequin. As I recall the role of Claire Prince Timkin was played by Estelle Getty, who - as it so happens - passed away last week. You may recall that Ms. Getty also played the role of Sophia Petrillo on the television show, Golden Girls. Her character was the mother of Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak, ably played by Bea Arthur...arguably the most successful transvestite in the history of Hollywood.

Um...where was I?

Where YOU should be is at humor-blogs.com.