Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Have a Yourself a Very Wookie Christmas.

The last few evenings have found me busily decorating the house with Christmas stuff. Lights on the house trim? Check. The occasional wreath adorning a door or two? Check. Nutcrackers in place? Check. Obligatory nativity scene? Check. Live streaming of holiday music? You bet.

I love Christmas. The sights, the sounds, the smells. It's a great time of year. I'm often reminded of Christmases past. As a kid, I loved watching those Christmas specials on TV. You know, Charlie Brown, Bing Crosby, Andy Williams...all of the usual suspects. Then, in 1978, the Star Wars franchise tried to cash in on the Christmas Spirit, too. WTF?! As if America wasn't already buying enough Star Wars crap, they aired a two-hour, prime-time special to remind us that it was time to fill their coffers once again, and in so doing, ended up producing what is arguably the worst TV Christmas special ever.

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall at that pitch meeting:

Producer: I've got a GREAT idea on how we can tie the Star Wars phenomenon into your Christmas programming!

Network Wonk: We prefer 'Holiday' programming. Less hate mail. So, hit me with your best shot.

Producer: Okay...Chewbacca is trying to get home for his kids' birthday, and his buddy, Han Solo, does all he can to get him home in time...

Network Wonk: They've got birthdays in outer space?

Producer: Sure...but we don't have to call them birthdays. How about LIFE days? Sounds futuristic, doesn't it?

Network Wonk: I LOVE it!

Producer: This show's got it all! It's set in outer space! It's got friends, it's got warmth, it's got all that feel-good crap that folks will eat up with a spoon!

Network Wonk: But it's GOT to have love music.

Producer: It does! We've got The Jefferson Starship. Star Wars, Star Ship! Get it?!

Network Wonk: I'm with you so far. Does it have stormtroopers?

Producer: Stormtroopers? You bet your ass it has stormtroopers! One of them even kills Chewbacca's uncle, Fuzzy. His death scene is a pivotal moment in the production.

Network Wonk: Sorry, we can't have violence, even Wookie violence. It's bad for the children.

Producer: Alright, Fuzzy lives. So what can we have?

Network Wonk: How about Bea Arthur and Art Carney?

Producer: And you think that's good for kids?

And, in case you forgot just how lame the "Star Wars Holiday Special" was, here's the Cliff Notes' version...complete with Mark Hamill before the accident that turned his face into hamburger:

Some Christmas memories are best left forgotten. This is one of them. Happy Holidays!

No comments: