Wednesday, December 3, 2008

A Sheep in Lion's Clothing.

I pity poor James Sheep. Since January of 2007, James has served as the mascot for the Penn State Nittany Lions. In my humble opinion, that Penn State's mascot ranks among the worst in college football. The outfit Sheep has had to endure for nearly two years looks like the lame creation of some low-budget, local cable access kiddie show. It looks to me like a rat with a thyroid condition. It's similar to a lion only in that it begins with an "L" and has four letters. L-A-M-E.

What exactly is a Nittany Lion, anyhow? They say the name honors the mountain lions that used to roam Mount Nittany, which is located near the school's campus. Uh-huh. I've been to College Station, PA, and have even had dinner with Joe Pa and his wife at his house. Twice. While there, I have had ample opportunity to see Mount Nittany up close. To me the mountain looks like a big meat loaf. Hillock, definitely. Hill, maybe. Mountain? No way. If mountain lions once roamed that turf, I'm betting my neighbor's cat could beat the crap out of one.

I digress. Anyway, back to James Sheep. He's been parading around in this outfit for TWO YEARS. It must be enough to drive a man to drink. Well, it looks like it finally has...or has at least has resulted in James getting too drunk to drive. At 3:15 a.m., the morning of Penn's 49 to 18 beating of Michigan State like a drum, ol' James was out with his possé, getting a little 'pregame attitude adjustment'. A momentary lapse in judgement caused Sheep to decide to drive his car. Well, James was pulled over by a University police man, and - can you believe it?! - he was found to be drunker than Cooter Brown*. Now, I'm all for starting your pre-game tailgaiting early, but not 13 hours before a game, and certainly not while driving in the car. I guess Big 10* schools are a bit different than the SEC*.*

Luckily for James Sheep his incarceration ended in ample time for him to take part in his much-anticipated sideline hijinks, which were no doubt viewed by a bunch of drunk fans. And it was a good thing he made it. At halftime Penn State honored Sheep for his exemplary services as mascot for two seasons! Ah, the sweet irony of it all.

I could not imagine donning the Nittnay Lion mascot uniform in anywhere near a sober state. I could only imagine what it felt like to do it hungover.

Poor James Sheep.

Rumor has it that University officials are seriously considering not allowing James Sheep to travel with the team for the Rose Bowl. I for one think they should let him go. And if they're short on cash to send him, they could probably score some big-time endorsement moolah for his appearance, too. Think of it: "The Penn State Halftime Show with James Sheep! Sponsored by Jaegermeister!"

The only thing they need to worry about is if Sheep gets a bit too into his routine, and the bottle. I'm betting that, if he did, Penn State would be penalized for excessive end zone celebration.
Link*Now, to be fair, I really don't know anyone named "Cooter Brown", so I've really no idea as to how drunk he can get. The saying is fairly popular in The South, which is where I grew up. I would imagine that if my parents had named me "Cooter" I'd be a fairly accomplished drunk, too.

*And that's another thing. Why is the Big 10 comprised of eleven teams? I'm betting their math skills aren't all that good. And guess which was the last team in the Big 10? You guessed it...Penn State!

*Yes they are in that they suck at football!

*Look at me! Three side notes in one paragraph! Um...guess this one makes four. Now I can finally relate to the Big 10!

Stop looking at these asterisks and go check out humor-blogs.com.

4 comments:

Mark said...

I just wonder how he could drive a car at all in that outfit.

Mat Garretson said...

Oooh...perhaps he was driving with his headgear off?! That would mean that he was a mascot out of uniform!

Which is considered the more venal infraction??

VernettaSabryna said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

Alena

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Mat Garretson said...

Why, thank you, Alena...I appreciate that.