From Our "Pissing Away Taxpayer's Money" Department...

For those of you unaware, the state of Pennsylvania serves as the primary retailer of alcoholic beverages within its borders. And, like most business better suited to private enterprise, the PA government does a horrifically bad job as a liquor retailer. And, while you normally get what you pay for, the fine citizens of the Keystone State sure don't. They actually get to pay higher prices for such crappy service.*

The whole shebang is operated by the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board (PLCB for short). The PLCB recently announced that it was spending more than $173,000 to spruce up their nearly 650 stores. Better selections? New signs? Cleaner stores? No, no and no. The money is being spent in hiring a consulting firm that will train store employees to be more courteous. It would appear my belief that PA drinkers pay too much would be right: even in these scant economic times, the PLCB can just piss their (uh...if you live in PA, your) money away!

That's right. Some bright bulb at the PLCB feel that these government employees need to learn to be nicer! They want to make sure clerks are saying "hello," "thank you" and "come again" as they stick it to their customers. Having encountered more than my fare share of these dairy cows masquerading as retailers, I can tell you that - on its face - it's not a bad idea. The ones that I've met have a fairly fatalistic outlook on their career choice. Like most ineffectual governmental employees, these members of the PLCB must have as their motto, "Sure I'm dead wood...but you can't fire me!"

Let's see...there are about 4,000 PLCB employees. $173,000 divided by 4,000 is $43.25. Hell, pay me $20 per employee and I'll just kick 'em in the ass and say, "Smile and be happy you're living off the state teat!" Should affect the same results. I can pretty much guarantee you that the terms "gracious customer service" and "government employee" are mutually exclusive. ..or at least are to the point that no amount of money spent on training will change things. Here's just a suggestion - and I'm just spit-balling here - why don't you just DISMANTLE THE WHOLE DAMN PLCB SYSTEM?!?

Now, to be sure, there have been a few candidates for Governor in PA who have voiced agreement that the whole PLCB should be abolished. That's before they've assumed office. I can only guess that no sitting Governor wants to be remembered as the one who gave 4,000 employees (read: voters) their pink slips. Well, don't you think being made redundant has become en vogue these days? Everyone employer is doing it...so why not add a few more to the ranks in Pennsylvania?

In my experiences selling wine around the globe, there's only one state that surpasses Pennsylvania for sheer ineptitude and idiocy in its regulations and selling of alcoholic beverages. That state would be Utah. But, hell, at least they have an excuse: their state is linked pretty intimately with the Mormon faith. What's PA's excuse?

Do yourself a favor: find ANY excuse not to buy your booze in the state of Pennsylvania. Even if the clerk does smile and say, 'have a nice day'.

* "How crappy?" you ask? So crappy, that Philadelphia residents took to the roads, and were driving over to nearby Cherry Hill, NJ to buy their booze from cheaper, privately-owned and operated retailers. And, in a flourish of typical governmental efficiency, the state of Pennsylvania found a solution...no, not in lowering prices and increasing service, but by staking out NJ liquor stores and pulling over anyone driving a car with PA plates as soon as they crossed the border. THAT'S how crappy!

30-Second Movie Review: Bottle Shock.

Is the kind of movie that results when you take the posing pretentiousness of

And the self-aggrandizing romanticism of a fairly unromantic industry like, say

And mix it all into the cinematic version of a


Creating, in the end, something that is a lot like

(Face)Book of Lists.

I joined Facebook almost a year ago, but really have only been actively participating on it within the last two months. This activity came about after I had received three messages from old friends, none of which I'd heard from since my college days. Those three contacts have since spread into hundreds of old friends and acquaintances...from high school, college, extended family and various work-related businesses.

It seems that everyone my age has decided to sign onto Facebook. It's akin to salmon swimming upstream to spawn, or the Swallows returning to Capistrano. Perhaps we're all just feeling that we're sliding into the last half of our lives, and are interested to know how old friends are fairing on their rides.

One of the unintended consequences of being a member of Facebook is that I've received literally hundreds of 'list requests' from fellow members. These request basically consist of a friend sharing with you their - say - Top 10 favorite movies, or their Top 15 favorite albums. The idea being that you will learn something about your friend...and, of course, they want you to reciprocate. It's as if all your friends now think of themselves as self-appointed James Liptons, and wanted to get to know the real me.

Well, if you share such aspirations, let me share with you now one such list that I actually responded to:

25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME:

25.) I tend to be a fairly impatient person. It’s my worst trait, but I’m working on it.

24.) If I see something that needs to be done I all too often jump right in with both feet and take on the task myself. That’s lead to countless great (and a few really stupid) adventures.

23.) Usually when people ask where I’m from I say, “Georgia.” That said, I’m actually from Chicago, Illinois. By the time I turned 14, my family had moved five times (Chicago, Cherry Hill, NJ; Tustin, CA; St. Charles, IL; Dunwoody, GA). Georgia is where I truly grew up. It’s where I went to high school and college, it’s where my parents, most of my siblings and my oldest friends live.

22.) If I could live anywhere in the U.S., I’d love a big house on the coast, somewhere South of Charleston, SC, and North of the Georgia/Florida border. If I could live anywhere in the world, it’d be in the middle of a vineyard in the French appellation of Bandol.

21.) My wife and I were born on the same day - November 4th, yet seven years apart. As I’ve a twin sister, it means that I’ve always shared my birthday with a woman.

20.) The best birthday present I have ever received was when I was seven years old. I didn’t actually receive this present until I was 36.

19.) We have a Bulldog named “VIVI” (pronounced “viv-vee”). Her daddy was UGA VI, and her brother is UGA VII. As much as I love her, I am much more inclined to have an Airedale as a pet. But my boys love UGA, and you can’t say, “no thanks” to Sonny Seiler.

18.) I’ve four siblings…three older brothers and a sister. Of the five of us, I’m the one with the most gray hair. I attribute this fact that I’m the only one who started their own business.

17.) I don’t have much of a sweet tooth. I could go for months on end without something sweet…but if there’s a cheese course on the menu, lookout!

16.) I lived on a houseboat for nearly three years. Winters on a houseboat really helps to clarify who your real friends are.

15.) For most of my youth I planned to make my living as a Naval Aviator. Then I had the opportunity to learn first-hand that there was very little flying involved. I still love to fly, but I’m glad I didn’t choose that as my career path.

14.) And, while I like the career path I choose; namely, the wine business, I cannot abide the level of pretentiousness and entitlement that pervades the industry. Far too many of my contemporaries have entered the wine business for lifestyle, not livelihood.

13.) I’ve been to my share of Tailhook Association conventions, and you shouldn’t believe everything you’ve read about them.

12.) When I was younger, I was somewhat obsessed with Star Wars…so much so, that I actually saw it over 70 times when it came out in 1977. I never knew that being a geek would serve me so well…until I became the father of two young boys.

11.) I have an amazingly large head, literally speaking.

10.) For someone who has made his living speaking in front of large audiences, I really don’t like public speaking all that much.

9.) Before I can begin to cook the family dinner, I need to ensure the dishwasher is empty. In this way, I can clean as I cook. Some people would call this obsessive behavior. I prefer to call it ‘being organized’.

8.) But I know it IS obsessive behavior.

7.) Every serious relationship that I have had with any woman prior to Amie has ended with that woman eventually becoming a lawyer. I don’t know what that means, but there you have it.

6.) I have two scars on the top of my right hand. These are the result of accidentally putting my hand into a mechanical box sealer while working at my father’s aerosol business.

5.) I’ve had the good fortune to play golf on some of the world’s greatest courses. Every time I’m golfing, I think to myself, “Why don’t I play golf more often?” It’s only when I enter the receipts for green fees, cart rental and the bar tab into my checkbook that I remember why.

4.) If granted the opportunity to start a new career, and money were no object, I’d be hard pressed to choose between being a writer or the curator of a real good aviation museum.

3.) If I could change one thing about me physically, it would be to cure myself of allergies. Cosmetic dental work would be a close second.

2.) I really don’t understand the attraction of horror movies. The idea of spending good money to get the crap scared out of you makes no sense. To me, movies should either make you laugh or make you think.

1.) In my wife I’ve found the embodiment of true happiness, commitment, and unconditional love. I try each day to prove worthy of her.

There. Do you feel that you know me any better?

"I Got a Rock."

As if dispel any doubts that the United States is pinching its pennies, President Obama's choice of parting gifts to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown surely put the world on notice of this fact. As is customary when a visiting head of state pays a visit to the White House, Prime Minister Brown presented the President with some thoughtful tokens of his country's esteem and appreciation. Custom dictates that our President reciprocate in this gesture.

The Prime Minister of England saw fit to present President Obama with a penholder carved from the oak timbers of HMS Gannet, a Victorian-era ship which spearheaded the Royal Navy's fight against slave trading. This present was especially thoughtful in light of the fact the desk which Obama sits behind in the Oval Office was carved from oak salvaged from the Gannet's sister ship, HMS Resolute. In addition, Brown - on behalf of the people of the United Kingdom - gifted the President with a framed copy of the commission for the HMS Resolute, as well as first-editions of the seven-volume biography of Sir Winston Churchill by Sir Martin Gilbert. All in all, some very fitting, very thoughtful gifts.

And how did President Obama reciprocate? With a "special" collection of 25 "classic" American films. Yes, you read right...with a box set you or I could have easily obtained by by giving a large enough donation to any PBS station, or by going down to your local Blockbuster's! Come to think of it, Blockbuster's is on the ropes these days...perhaps these gifts are a sign of yet another economic bailout in the works?

Looking over the list, I have to agree that there are some true cinematic treasures there, but I wouldn't say these represent the best, all-time, Top 25 movies made in America. To begin with, City Lights needs to go, as does any movie starring Charlie Chaplin...the cinematic definition of 'overrated' if ever there was one. And as much as I love Buster Keaton (a real talent of the silent screen, unlike Chaplin), I don't think The General should have made this list. Although I'm quite a fan of science fiction, he gifted 2001 and E.T.? Honestly?? And how could you include just one installment out of the six in the Star Wars' franchise? Not that any of them rates Top 25 status. It is interesting to note that the one he did include is entitled, The Empire Strikes Back. Now there's a Freudian slip if ever there was one! And two Hitchcock films? And one of them isn't North by Northwest? Give me a break.

And the gifting only got worse: the Browns presented the Obama girls with dresses from the stylish UK Topshop stores, as well as six books written by British authors whose works are soon to be released in the U.S. In return, the Obamas provided the Browns with two models of the "Marine One" presidential helicopter for them to pass along their two sons. Whoopie!

Given the paltry presents, something tells me that Obama's staff forgot about this little act of gifting protocol until the Browns were just hours away from departing. And, after the staffers voiced a collective "DOH!", some poor underling hoofed it over to the gift shop at the Smithsonian and bought the first things they saw.

I'm thinking that - if he knows anything about popular American culture - Gordon Brown has now got to feel a little like Charlie Brown. Especially Charlie Brown on Halloween night. You remember the scene...Charlie and his friends go out trick-or-treating, and at each door all of the other kids get great candy, and Charlie Brown looks into his bag, and says, "I got a rock."

When it comes to gifts of State, Gordon Brown got a rock.

With gifts as thoughtful as the Obama's, I'm thinking I know what Brazil's President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva has to look forward to on his March 14th visit to Washington:

Compliments of the United States, Luiz! Don't spend it all in one night.

Guess it Could ALWAYS be Worse.

All this blogging about how bad the job market might make you believe that I don't realize how good I've got it. I'm married to the woman of my dreams, have two great sons, and a smelly, semi-famous Dawg. I could always have followed my original career plans of being a server at a Hooters. Thankfully I didn't. The wings suck and the customers don't tip...with the exception of John Daly. And he just tips over...

ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND!

SLO Going.

In my life the question, "How's the job search going?" has become so commonplace that it's replaced, "How's the weather out there?" I anticipate hearing it from everyone I talk to, including complete strangers. In case you were wondering, the job search is going just fine, thanks for asking. It's the finding of the right job that's a bit more problematic.

Yesterday I read that one in ten Californians are now out of work. Good to know I'm in such plentiful company.

Nearly every night Amie and I review prospects, and make determinations on (and changes to) our gameplan. One startlingly obvious thing we recognize - besides the fact that the entire global economy sucks right now - is that we may be victims of geographical undesirability. San Luis Obispo, known its friends and admirers as "SLO", is in all other ways a seemingly desirable place to live...unless you're an executive looking for gainful employment.

It's odd. A national organization of realtors recently ranked SLO as the #2 most expensive place to own a house. New York City took the #1 spot. I blame this bit of dubious distinction on author Garrison Keillor. In one of his books Keillor proclaimed San Luis Obispo as his absolute, most-favorite city to perform in. And, as we all know, residents of Minnesota are looking for any excuse to move...just point them in the right direction. The bastard.

The naked truth is this: you need to have made your millions outside of SLO to live in SLO. Residents (myself included) relish the fact that it's far away from the maddening crowds of LA and San Francisco; in fact, we're nearly smack dab between the two. No traffic, no crowds, no noise. And, as I'm finding out, no jobs. At least no jobs that don't require my mastering the phrase, "Do you want fries with that?"

Being so far removed from a major hub of industry, has me wondering: do we need to move to a big city to even be considered for a job? Given the fact that an ever-increasing number of the nation's working class is no longer working, there are plenty of qualified execs closer to major markets than I am. This fact does give one pause.

When I contemplate such a possible necessity, I can't help but be reminded of the lyrics to one of my favorite Style Council songs, Homebreakers:

"Move around...if you can't find work in your hometown."

That, and one of my favorite works of literature:

Call me Joad.

GOP = Gone Out to Pasture?

Did you happen to watch President Obama's address to Congress last night? All in all, I thought it was a pretty good speech. Did you catch the GOP's response to Obama's speech? If you didn't, how can I sum it up for you in a few words? 'Pathetic' comes to mind, as does, 'embarrassing', 'uninformed' and 'woefully out of touch'.

The speech was delivered by burgeoning Republican star, Bobby Jindal, Governor of Louisiana. GOP insiders point to Jindal as a rising star within the party, and someone who - if he doesn't screw it up - may very well head the Republican ticket within the next two presidential election cycles. His speech was stilted, filled with factual errors, and, in some instances, was downright nonsensical.

Honestly...is this the cream of the GOP crop? If it is, then the party's usefulness is past its expiration date.

Please understand, I proudly count myself as a conservative. But I'm a conservative in the Teddy Roosevelt/Barry Goldwater mold. Along with Lincoln, I consider T.R. to be the finest president this nation has ever had. And Goldwater's book, "Conscious of a Conservative" is a must-read if you really want to understand the pure core of conservative thought. The party traditionally associated with this way of thinking has been the Republican Party...but that seems to be a thing of the past. It has strayed from the path of rational conservative thinking as to have perhaps become irrelevant.

Having had their heads handed to them in the last two election cycles, the Republican Party is running around like a headless chicken. A lack of a head - and the rational, thinking brain contained therein - is the only reason I can conclude as to why the Republicans have trotted out the likes of Bobby Jindal...and Sarah Palin and Michael Steele as the new leaders of the (once) Grand Old Party. If this is the future, give me the past, thank you.

It's time true conservatives wrestle back the party from these vacuous, bloviating children, and get back to basic, core conservative beliefs. If it doesn't happen soon, we're in for a one-party country for some time. And that would be a bad thing.

Idle Hands.

I know, I know...I really need another hobby other than Photoshop. But, in my defense, the last few weeks have been rather rainy, and it's been difficult to practice my other hobby of outdoor cat juggling. As we all know, cats hate getting wet.

But, thankfully for us all, the skies around SLO have finally parted, and the sun is out. Which means I'll be out and away from my computer. But, before I do, let me leave you with my latest Photoshop effort:

Fans of great Bourbon will have no trouble identifying this as a blatant knock-off of one of the best Bourbons on this (or any other) planet: Old Rip Van Winkle's Family Reserve 20 Year Old. If you have never heard of, or have never had tasted, the exceptional efforts of this master distiller, I urge you to check them out HERE. They are the benchmark for Bourbon.

Over the years I've been fortunate to have gotten to know Julian and Sissy Van Winkle, proprietors of Old Rip Van Winkle Distillery. I only hope that this tongue-in-cheek tribute to the 20 Year Old doesn't upset them. They've got a pretty good sense of humor, though. It remains to be seen if I do.

And with that, I'm out the door!

Isn't He Lovely?

Given the overwhelmingly favorable response for my Peter Frampton album cover (thank you, Mel Hill!), I thought I'd offer up yet another example of Photoshop prowess. This time, it's Motown:
Enjoy your week!

Bad Santa.

DRUNK SANTA FELL ON ME, WOMAN CLAIMS
February 19, 2009 7:17 PM

A Chicago woman who claims a drunken man in a Santa Claus suit stumbled and fell on top of her, knocking her face-first into the sidewalk outside a Chicago restaurant, is taking the overly-jolly man to court.

Antoinette Basso filed suit today against the allegedly inebriated St. Nick, Daniel E. Aulwes, claiming negligence and negligent battery for the Dec. 7, 2008, incident outside the restaurant in the 1000 block of West Monroe Street.

Basso was standing on the sidewalk outside the restaurant when Aulwes "under the influence of alcohol to a certain degree and ... unable to walk in a safe manner" fell on top of her.

She hit her face on the sidewalk, suffering "pain ... disability and disfigurement," according to the Cook County circuit court lawsuit. She is seeking more than $50,000 in damages.

* * * * *

Now, I always thought that such blatantly frivolous lawsuits were the exclusive domain of the citizens of California. It would appear not. I can just hear this cheesy lady's testimony...sung to the immortal strains of that equally cheesy Xmas classic, 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer':

"My face got disfigured by drunk Santa,
outside of a restaurant -- December Eighth.
A bourbon-pickled, jolly dressed-up Santa,
the drunkard’s actions really sealed his fate.


The bastard’s going to pay for his wrong deeds now,
My lawyer says he’ll pay me -- through the nose.
We’ll take as much as judge and jury will allow,
We’ll take his home, his car and his Santa clothes.”

I know, I know...I've missed my true calling. And I could have gone one stanza better, but that would have invariably necessitated the use of the plaintiff's name, "Basso" and a common slang for your backside.

Enjoy your weekend!

Do You Feel Like I Do?

But for the fact that I can't sing, I can't play guitar, and I basically don't have much in the way of musical talent, I could have been a contender!

My Latest Book Report.

"Dry and acerbic, with a bitter finish.

Read twice with same results.
72 Points."

I'm Searchin'...I'm Searchin'...Searchin' Every Wiiiiiich Way.*

The past few months has found me - for the first time in my life - utilizing head hunting services and internet job search engines. I've completed dozens of questionnaires, emailed my resume nearly a thousand times, and have applied to over 150 corporations around the U.S. It's a full-time job look for a full-time job. Sadly, there's no money in it.

Occasionally I'll get a job lead from a headhunter which leaves me thinking "WTF? Did he even read my resume?!" One such position just came across my desk:

VP of Business Development for a Leading Provider of Outpatient Wound Care Providers.

Now, the job does pay over $120,000 per annum, but really...where in my resume would it lead an executive search agency to feel that this job is right up my alley? Of course, I already thought up a (pardon the pun) sure fire way to develop new business for this potential employer: get in my company car and circle the clinics, performing a series of drive-by shootings. Hey...they're all going to need wound care, right?

Just an idea. Maybe I could work it into my first interview with them?
____________________________________________________________________
And, if the title of today's blog doesn't sound familiar to you, then you're obviously not a Beach Music aficionado: it's from "Searchin'" by The Coasters.

The Things We Do For Love.

Yesterday started at 5am. My wife and I rose a bit earlier than normal to prepare items for our two sons' classroom Valentine's Day parties. Amie was in charge of preparations...which meant I was her personal, private, executive gofer. She baked while I prepared printed materials. The kids rose a few hours later, and - just as we were preparing to head out to the car - it began to hail. Perfect timing.

But the early rising, frantic working and hail dodging all seemed worth it when I got to watch our Thomas waltzing:
The things we do for our children...and they are more than worth it!

Space: The Trashed Frontier.

On any given day, the U.S. Strategic Command is tracking some 18,000 man-made objects that orbit our planet. These objects include spent booster rockets, satellites and the odd, 'misplaced' wrench, camera and other objects lost by clumsy astronauts. Combined, all of this astro-junk is estimated to weigh more than 11 million pounds. Since most of these objects travel at hypersonic speeds, the threat of one of them hitting a valuable national asset is a very real one.

That said, most men and women of science have dismissed the potential for collision so minuscule as to not be worthy of concern. When I hear such remarks I can't help be be reminded of the mindset of scientists who scoffed at concerns that we were polluting our watersheds and the air we breathe. Just like outer space, these earth-bound environments were thought to be too big for man to cause any real damage.

Well, two days ago the inevitable happened: two satellites - one American and the other Russian - collided in space. The resulting debris cloud has caused concern that fragments from the collision might impact the International Space Station. Major Regina Winchester, of the U.S. Strategic Command, commented that "Space is getting pretty crowded. The fact that this hasn't happened before -- maybe we were getting a little bit lucky."

No duh...you think?

They're On The Road to Nowhere.

Having closed down my winery last November, I find myself in the rare position of being between jobs. I say 'rare' because I've not been without gainful employment since I was 15 years old. Okay, so I did take a month off between jobs back in 1998...but it was a month off with pay, covered by my new employer. And during that month off I contracted a nasty sinus infection. It now being mid-February, I have now gone an unprecedented 73 consecutive days without working. But the trade-off has been great in terms of my family life, and the house has never been so clean.

But it's high time I reenter the workaday world, and I'm now actively searching for just the right position. To be sure, many offers have come my way, but almost all of them require way too much travel. Those that don't require my living out of a suitcase offer salaries so minuscule that accepting the position would lead to my family and I to live in a trailer park. While the current economic situation might dictate my jumping at any job offer, I'm going to hold out for something better.

There's one thing this job search has reinforced: my belief that the U.S. wine industry is incredibly short-sighted. When word got out that I had pulled the plug on the winery, I was inundated with calls, emails and letters from industry folks all over the world. Most of these expressed surprise, sadness or congratulations...sometimes all three. Some also included possibilities of future employment. Of these, about a dozen were from businesses concerns offering positions that I felt were worth pursuing.
In subsequent conversations with these employers I've learned that all of them have decided to hold off filling these positions. They took one look at their 2008 4th quarter results, and felt it prudent to not hire anyone. And these are senior management positions like general manager, sales manager, etc. In other words, sales were bad for these folks, but they're not going to hire the one key manager who can/should improve their sales! I find myself wanting to say, "You think sales suck now? Just wait. You've made a decision that's sure to put your company on course that will lead to even lower sales". It's the Titanic without the band.

Such a mindset is kinda like saying you own a Porsche, but are only going to spend money on putting gas in the tank. No tune-ups, no oil changes, no rotating tires...nothing but gas. In the long run, this kind of thinking ends up costing more money in repairs (or replacement) than the periodic maintenance would have. Enormously short-sighted. But, hey, that's the industry I've been in most of my adult life.

To be sure, there are those out there that see this economic crisis as a great opportunity...an opportunity to pick up market share, equipment, land, and - yes - talent. These are the types of companies I'm aiming for. My only hope that I can stay out of the trailer park long enough to land one.

AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY CUT "WEEEEE" ALL THE WAY THROUGH.

Don't Make Me Open This!

Failure to Launch.

In hopes of emulating the success of his older brother Harlan, young Pleghm Sanders poured his life savings into an ill-conceived chain of fast food restaurants. It is rumored that he was carted off to prison screaming, "Why is it my fault those customers got Tricky Noses?!"

Pleghm Sanders died in prison a broken man...

Paparazzi Paydirt!

At long last! Here's photographic evidence of the long-suspected-but-never-confirmed love child between Ernest Borgnine and Totie Fields!