Saturday, September 20, 2008

My Dream Job, Vol. 1.

I often hear from friends that I've got a "dream job". Sure, making and selling wine can be a whole lot of fun, but it can often be just a job. That got me thinking: what would be my idea of a "dream job"?

I've often thought that it'd be fun to make a living creating names for college bands. Okay, so there's no such job out there, and - even if there were - it surely wouldn't pay squat. But, hey, it's a dream job, right? If I can dream up the job, then surely I'm allowed to dream up my salary, right? On the off-chance that there is indeed such a job position out there, let me just say that I'd be a shoe-in for the job. And if you just so happen to be that the person in charge of hiring for this job, consider this my resumé.

When it comes to crafting names for college bands, you're pretty much looking at three veins that you can mine. First, there are those names which somewhat oxymoronic in nature. The first half of the name is somewhat contradictory to the last half. For instance:
  • The Screaming Mimes
  • Laid-Low Erectors
  • Skinflint Spendthrifts
  • Primal Yawn
  • Snickering Stoics
Then there's the other path I'll call the "Popular Culture" route. That's when you use references and/or names from literature, movies or television...some well-known, but most are vague. My choices in this category would include:
  • Come Back, Shane!
  • Merkin Muffly
  • The Bethlehem Slouchers
  • Adam West Wannabes
  • His Boy Elroy
  • How High the Moon
And then there are those hailing from a third category which I'll file under "Miscellany". They very often only make sense to the band members themselves, and can be so vague as to lead most to believe there was a lot of alcohol (or some other stimulant) involved. Hence:
  • Too Many Todds
  • Percolated Youth
  • Misspent Fuzz
  • Rickshaw Killers
  • Prehistoric Misanthropes
  • Drive-by Dustbunnies
  • Must Love Porkchops
  • Wide-Eyed Latin Orphans
  • Two-bit Carnies
Yeah, I could see myself raking in the big-time dough with a job like this!

Anyone know where I could submit my application?

And I'd like to submit that you'd have a few laughs by checking out humor-blogs.com.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

With your more than adequate skils in the Naming game,I know of one other profession for you.
The Naming of paint chip colors. I think it is one field where the more one drinks, the better he is at it. Try it..

Mat Garretson said...

Thanks, but no thanks. If I can't name bands, then I'm moving on to naming subdivisions. "Whispering Oaks", "Gully Mesa", and the like. I'm all about the subdivision!

Anonymous said...

So your all about the subdivision? Are you in a subdivision?
Im picturing a nice California subdivison like the one from ET
or beter yet the one from Poltergeist, maybe Knots Landing. House after house all the same.
I prefer to think of you living in a place like the tv show Falcons Crest. or as I liked to call it, the "Old lady and the grapes".

Mat Garretson said...

We just escaped California subdivision hell last month. Nothing depresses the soul more than living in a cookie-cutter suburbia of stucco and Spanish tiled roofs!

And, no, we're not living al la Falcon Crest either!