Shaving Face.

Of all my morning ablutions, there's none I detest more than shaving my face. I've never really understood the logic to dragging a razor blade across your skin moments after awakening. The fear of spending the rest of the day displaying bits of torn skin and dried blood has been enough to keep me firmly in the camp of those who prefer to be evening shavers. Better yet, I prefer going for days without shaving my face.

I have what is known in dermatological parlance as very sensitive skin...what the French refer to as 'peau sensible'. This is a combination of the words, peau, pronounced like "po" and sensible, like..."sensible", meaning, "You'd have really poor sensibilities to shave that every morning, monsieur".

I've tried everything. Electric razors really don't provide a close shave. I've really enjoyed the results from, and experiences of, trained barbers who have shaved me with an old-fashioned, 'cut-throat' straight razor (the finest such experience having taken place in a throwback barber joint across the street from the Hotel Moteleone, New Orleans). But, I would never think of doing that to myself.

Since 1990 my shaving device of choice has been the Gillette Sensor. It's your basic, two bladed, swivel head razor, a system Gillette introduced in 1989 with that catchy phrase and jingle, "A best a man can get". And, for 19 years now, I've been a staunch believer in that.


And shaving technology has passed my face by long ago. These days there are three-, four- and even five-blade shavers, no doubt playing up to modern man's belief that bigger is always better.

I've tried out a few of those three-bladed shavers, just to see if I'm missing out on a better shave. Maybe I am missing something, but to me it felt like I was trying to shave with a blade as big as a business card. They're unwieldy, and difficult to operate in tight areas like around the nose, or when cleaning up your sideburns. So, I'm sticking with my two-bladed Sensor, thank you very much.

But everyone's still trying to build that 'better mousetrap' of a razor. Today I came across an ad for the next greatest shaving sensation, the Rolling Razor. Looking for all the world like souped-up fallopian tubes, the Rolling Razor features two razors facing opposite directions. As if half-awake men and women really need twice the opportunity to cut the crap out of their faces or legs.

From what I've seen in their promotional materials, you hold the Rolling Razor much like we used to hold the tear-away pop top tabs from soda and beer cans. And I'm imagining that this sucker shaves you about as well as an aluminium pull-tab, too.

And just dig the sales copy for the men's "Silver Streak" razor!:

"It is said, that Zeus himself stood upon Mt. Olympus and cast his lightning bolt towards Earth. Upon impact, there was an massive explosion that revealed a fiery arc of light...that arc of light was Silver Streak. From that day forward, shaving became a powerful masculine experience underscored by true performance characteristics, indisputable strength, unparallelled accuracy and lightning quick speed."

Where do I begin with my criticism of this paragraph o' drivel? That they buried the lead? That they lost me at "Zeus"? That they forgot the prime directive of marketing...mention the product in the first five words? That you shouldn't let your teenager write ad copy? And this is just the verbiage for the men's shaver. They make one for women, called the "2 Pink", and the blah-blah for it is just as bad:

"Sent by Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love and beauty, 2 Pink was able to greet the feminine curves of a woman with sensuality and reverence, while using the sharpness of Cupid's arrow to prevent nick and scratches. Love at first sight, 2 Pink has been described as an experience of pure beauty."

And how do I describe the experience of reading that? I suspect a frustrated Greek ad copy writer needs a refund on their "Learn to write Romance Novels" correspondence course.

Eeeew.