Paradise or Cesspool?

So there I was - again! - listening to my XM satellite radio, when my attention was piqued by one of their commercials. This time they were shilling for Branson. As in Branson, Missouri. Time was Branson was a place where old nobody's who were too sedentary to live the life of a dinner theater vagabond went to die.

Not any more...if you're to believe the commercial I listened to. Branson is now the 'vacation capitol of the world". And don't just take their word for it...this statement has been vouchsafed by no finer a publication than BQ Magazine!

That naturally got me thinking...who or what in the hell is a BQ Magazine?

I was betting on it being "Branson Quarterly", but nooooo. There's no such a publication...at least according to my exhaustive internet search. From the results of this search I've whittled the possibilities down to four. And here they are:

The British publication, Business Quarter. Now to be fair, the Brits have been known to think Benny Hill is funny. They also think that the rocky shores of Bristol are on a par with - say - the a sandy stretch on Maui. So you know they're not always to be trusted as the arbiters of good taste. But I'm betting this is not the BQ Magazine that touted Branson.

Then there's a magazine known as Boomerang Quarterly. Holy Crap. You mean to tell me that there's a regular publication dedicated to the needs of boomerang enthusiasts?!? What a waste of time. But, come to think of it, so is throwing a boomerang.

Nope, this couldn't be the magazine I was searching for. The only boomerang action you're apt to find in Branson, Missouri is when you partake of the $8, all-you-can-eat seafood buffet. Like a boomerang, it's bound to come right back into your lap.

I found this Las Vegas-based BQ Magazine, too. It's for fans of the hip-hop scene. If faced to spend an hour leafing through these pages I'm thinking that Boomerang Quarterly would looking pretty good.

Naw. Too many rednecks in Branson. Too much love of fried cheese curds and Willie Nelson for this magazine to gush over the city.

I finally determined that the BQ Magazine talked about in the commercial just had to be this one. Beauty Queen Magazine. I imagine a lot of beauty pageants are held in Branson. It used to be that Miami Beach had these type of events locked up. But with Burt Parks now dead and gang-bangers running amok, Branson looks a whole lot safer than Miami.

So it would seem that the folks extolling the virtues of a Branson vacation want you to put your trust not in their commercial...but instead perpetually perky, smiling girls big on cup size but short on smarts. They know where the fun is...and it's to be had in Branson!

Now don't get me wrong. Branson, Missouri is a pretty exciting place. I've been there myself. It offers visitors with a whole heckuva lot to see and do. Why, just take a peek at some of the photos I took on my trip there:

Every window in the hotel I stayed at had its own breathtaking view!
It was especially breathtaking when the wind was in my face.

The hotel boasted some of the most modern amenities like this
outdoor pool/bathtub. This guy's name is Clem, and he's the owner.
He offered to loofah my back for me.

The state bird sure is easy to find...they're everywhere. Especially on you.

And all the friendly locals I met sure were colorful.
It helps if your favorite color happens to be red.

So, if you're planning that next great getaway, forget about Frankfurt. Adios, Antibes! Bon Voyage, Britain! Do what all smart-thinking beauty queens do...head to Branson, Missouri!

But, before you do, pack your bags and head right now to humor-blogs.com!